👉 Updated article here [November 2023] 👈

When someone says they are open to feedback, it does not mean you should share all of your frustrations.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not your chance to express how you feel.

A feedback conversation is actually a sales conversation. To empathize with what matters to them. Then craft your message around that.

It’s a chance to understand what is most likely to motivate the specific person you’re speaking with.

In other words, it’s an opportunity for behavior change.

If you’ve ever wondered, “Should I say this? Will it hurt or help?”, the below framework will help you answer that question.

“Is this strategy or self expression?”

This is one of my favorite and most often used frameworks. I use it for casual feedback conversations, formal feedback conversations, and beyond that, any time I want to encourage positive behavior.

Before you speak, ask yourself, “Is this strategy or self-expression?”

Strategy means only saying things that get you closer to changing the person’s behavior. You should only say things that you strongly believe will incentivize the other person to change in the right direction. Strategy is probably 10% of what you initially want to say.

Self-expression is venting, having the last word, or trying to teach someone a lesson. It includes trying to prove you’re right and wanting the person to feel remorse. Anything that isn’t 100% going to encourage the person to improve goes in the self-expression bucket.

Whenever I deviate from strategy-and let myself veer into self-expression territory—I instantly regret it.

How to focus on strategy, not self-expression

1. Mentally forgive the person. 

Do what it takes so when you’re in the actual conversation, you bring a positive (or at least neutral) energy.

Get any pent up emotions out of your system. Talk to your spouse, a trusted friend, or therapist. Come to terms with the suffering they caused you.

This part is very important. Do not skip it. If you are filled to the brim with resentment or anger, it will easily boil over. It won’t take much to throw you off: all it would take is the other person making a passive-aggressive comment, doing a tiny smirk, raising their eyebrows. Don’t let that derail you.

Get the emotion out of your system before you walk into the room.

Ultimately, the energy you bring will set the tone for the conversation. Your recipient will be much more likely to hear you when they feel you have good intent. So bathe in your good intent, so it comes through in your body language, facial expressions, content, and tone of voice.

2. Identify what is most likely to motivate them to change. 

Write out what you want to say. Then trim 90% of that because it’s probably self-expression, not strategy.

A reminder: Anything that is about trying to teach them a lesson, having the last word, sharing how they made you feel, getting them to admit wrongdoing… All of those are in the self-expression bucket.

This isn’t about punishing them for the frustration they caused you. They can never repay that anxiety and give you that peace of mind back. You’ve already lived through it. The best thing you can do now is make sure they do better in the future.

They can only do better if they know what to do, feel motivated, and are committed to change. That’s why framing everything positively is so important. We feel motivated and committed when we’re excited to do something, not when we’re being punished.

3. Say only the 10% that will actually change behavior. 

When you’re in the actual conversation, anytime you’re about to say something, use the litmus test: “Is what I’m about to say strategy or self-expression?”

Be specific with the actions, behaviors, or words you want the person to do going forward. They can only improve if they know exactly, specifically, explicitly what to improve on.

If possible, get them to say what they’re committing to do. It’s easy for you to say a lot and ask “So do you agree?” They will of course say, “Yes, for sure.”

But you can leverage cognitive dissonance if THEY say what they are committed to doing differently.

Self-expression is why most feedback conversations fail

The reason many feedback conversations go awry is because you think this is a chance to express yourself.

After all, you’ve probably been annoyed with this person’s behavior for a while. You secretly want them to know how they’ve made your life harder. And you feel justified in speaking up. You feel like you have a moral high ground.

When you sit across from the person, you unload all your frustration onto them.

The recipient feels hurt, angry, defensive, and resentful.

But they have no idea what to do differently in the future. More importantly, they don’t feel motivated to change.

So the whole conversation—and all the emotional anxiety on both sides—was wasted.

Keep your eyes on the prize

What is the prize? The prize is behavior change. Sweet, sweet behavior change.

Conversations are a mechanism for behavior change.

When you view conversation as a mechanism for behavior change, you can now be much more strategic about what to say. The “strategy or self-expression” framework helps you stay focused on aiming for behavior change.

As a feedback giver, we sometimes forget to align what we say with our overall goal of changing behavior.

When giving hard feedback, most of us focus on our own feelings. We don’t think about how the other person might receive the news.

The minute your recipient gets defensive, it becomes a lot harder to undo the defensiveness and get them to accept what you’re saying. So the trick is: don’t trigger the defensiveness in the first place.

Focus solely on getting closer to the behavior you want to see

Even when you are someone’s boss, you have to sell them on your idea. Even to your spouse, your family, your friends.

“Selling” someone on an idea is the most generous thing you can do.

“But Wes,” you say, “They are close friends and family. Why do I have to empathize and think about it from their perspective and do all that extra work? Why can’t I just be myself?”

Because we are all a little petty and sensitive deep down inside. You and me included. It’s worth it to empathize with our friends and family. They deserve your best behavior too. And ultimately, helping the people closest to you feel seen and heard will improve almost everything you do.