When friends give you advice, they may perceive you as the foil

All advice is autobiographical. We know to take people’s advice with a grain of salt.

But there are other, more serious implications of advice being autobiographical.

In fiction, a foil is the person opposite the protagonist. The foil is there to show who the protagonist isn’t. 

The foil dramatizes the main character’s traits.

In your friend’s mind, they are the protagonist. Not you. Just like in your own head, you’re the protagonist.

When friends make you the foil, they give you advice as “you in relation to them” versus “you as an individual.”

Your friend or colleague might subconsciously exaggerate or dramatize the difference between what you do and what they do. 

This matters because if they can’t see you clearly, they can’t give you good advice.

Bad advice can derail you for weeks or months. It's harder to forget negative advice too due to the negativity bias (also called positive-negative asymmetry). Consider where the advice giver is coming from can help you contextualize and avoid a knee-jerk reaction.

Then you can decide whether we want to take their advice at all.

Why do we do this?

We subconsciously want to protect our own psyche. We want to feel special and unique.

And we want to believe that our friends aren’t able to do what we do. If they could, we wouldn’t be as special, right?

Let’s say Marketer A asks Marketer B for advice.

Marketer A: I’m having trouble explaining what I do. What are your thoughts on how I should position my work? What should I emphasize?

Marketer B: We are so different. My strength is more X, but you’re really good at Y. I think you should talk about Y.

Marketer A [thinking, but not saying out loud]: I’d consider myself really good at X too… So should I talk about X or Y? Or something else altogether?

This conversation wasn’t helpful for either party. This foil situation happens most when folks are in similar industries or functions. Their advice for you is less useful because the lens is warped.

This impacts the way you give and get advice

Your strengths and your friends’ strengths might actually be pretty similar. Which is totally okay!

The world is a big place. People work in different industries and jive with different people.

When you’re giving advice: The goal is to learn to see the truth more clearly and quickly. If the truth is you have similar skill sets, accept it. Don’t delude yourself or make excuses to preserve your ego. Put your friend first.

When you’re asking for advice: Give your friends the benefit of the doubt. But do keep in mind their lens might be skewed because they are the heroes in their minds (like we all are in our own minds). Consider asking friends who are less likely to subconsciously see you as competition.

Ask yourself, “Who does this narrative serve? Why might this person have this narrative?” This helps you step back and see the other person’s worldview.

You’ll be able to contextualize the advice—and you’ll ultimately make a better decision for what’s good for you.